Have I lost and regained my ‘mojo’ for the last time?

Understanding my own mental health and addressing mental health challenges has been part of my life since I was a teenager.

Sometimes it has held me back, sometimes it has helped me and propelled me forward.

I have chosen to be pretty open and vulnerable in this piece to help place my thoughts and views in context.

If you are reading and addressing any similar issues, I would always encourage seeking the support of professionals.

Everyone is different, but I hope by sharing my story I can help provide more colour to some aspects of mental health which are commonplace.

So, where does my mojo come from?

Many of my colleagues throughout my career would probably describe me as a very positive, energetic person.

I agree with them entirely, but the origin is rooted in my teenage years. Not really coming to terms with my sexuality at school and university, feeling confused, scared and an outsider, I resorted to self-harm.

Somewhat unhealthily I worked out how to hide it and how to put on a brave face.

This included when speaking with mental health professionals; I became really good at creating an image of improvement anchored in self-awareness.

So good in fact that over time this became the mental switch I made to stop self-harming entirely.

“Just pretend”, I would say to myself. So, I did, out of shame and a want to preserve a certain outward appearance.

It is impossible for me to look back now and work out the specifics of a change in my personality or a turning point; but mental health challenges absolutely shaped me into the person I am today.

However, I regret what I did to myself, and I have scars up the inside of my arm which serve as a reminder to this day that mental health is extremely important and never, ever, trivial.

But alongside that regret, I’m also aware that coming out of bouts of mental health challenges is when I’m at my strongest and most creative.

I have a positive mental attitude that I can get through anything, and that any challenge is an opportunity. Or at least that’s what I tell myself.

Fast forward 16 years post university; I am writing this having just left Xodus; my career home of 15 years. Xodus was fantastic for me.

From starting in Orkney as a graduate consultant, to working around the world and latterly founding and leading an award-winning subsidiary in X-Academy, it is a place where I made so many friends and felt I could be open and honest.

Making the decision to set up on my own was a major step, but one I was excited by.

Incredibly, I did not once consider my own mental health in the decision process. Here came change and here came opportunity.

The day I left, I did a last lap of the office and burst into tears handing my key card in.

The following week I sat down with my new laptop and installed Office 365. Teams. Empty.

I added some of my old Xodus team as chats, but already I felt out of touch and less relevant.

My heart sank but I continued to try and keep up appearances that I was confident in my decision, that I was excited for the opportunity.

I don’t even think I was consciously thinking about how I really felt, just about what I ought to be feeling.

Over the coming weeks, rather than a virtuous cycle of positivity, I was in a negative spiral.

Here was change in process and what I described to others as the opportunity of a lifetime was turning into a crisis of confidence and a lack of motivation.

Luckily, my husband and I had booked a three-week camping trip in Europe. This forced a clean break and allowed me time to regenerate.

On returning I focused on little things. Piece by piece creating some quick personal wins.

This included going to a talk from someone entirely unrelated to the energy industry, signing up to do more exercise, and having some real, targeted work conversations.

Losing my mojo was baked in a complete lack of self/situational awareness, both before it happened and during.

That learned brave face which is so often my strength was simultaneously my greatest weakness. Little by little, my self-respect and self-confidence has started to return.

Just as when I was a teenager, and at multiple times since, I am feeling stronger, more confident and more creative than ever.

Have I lost and regained my mojo for the last time? My guess, probably not.

But a more open conversation and less stigma attached to mental health will certainly help me in that process when it happens.

Everyone is different. For me, it is a complex balancing act that has delivered some of the darkest as well as some of the brightest of times.